mountainsong's Diaryland Diary


I'm so cruel!

My conscience is hollering at me, my soul is regretful. I have been a horrible person, I have acted rashly, I have been cruel and heartless. I joined a friend in insulting one of my other friends (who has been more of a former friend nowadays) and I must admit that I was cruel. What also makes me want to scream and wail is that I can feel my conscience fading as I become more unaware of it. I am forced to admit that once before, insulting others and swearing was something that I wouldn't dare to do, but now? Now I can do it while laughing.

I hate myself for this. I don't want to turn into a heartless, merciless beast. If only I could alter the time withdraw my foolish words, but now I can't. And I don't want to say anything more to the girl I insulted, whom will remain anonymous in case I ever unlock this diary... I have always wanted her out of my life because she has caused so many problems for me. Actually, I started the problems myself---her, being oblivious and believing, fuels them. I've always hoped a day would come where we would break contact, and I'd do anything for it. And no, this is not out of cruelty---having her in my life is so much pressure in a way I will refuse to explain, because it is rather private.

I'm going to go mope and force myself to not hurt myself.

5:48 p.m. - July 18, 2002


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